Two men holding me... kissing

Need I say more?

( Ok, maybe I should! )

Current Mood: loved

Ahh, what happened and why do I do horrible things when I'm drunk?

So today is my third attempt at an all nighter. I hope to not fall asleep at all because it is kinda bugging me that I can't wake up to my alarms. I should be writing one of my many papers right now but instead, decided to post some news, not that there is much to post.

A lot has been going on, it's Hell Week, what do you expect? I have been so tired and stressed that my shoulders feel like rocks. I don't like this much, it makes my nerves and self control go down the crapper. I don't like being upset at people and I especially don't like showing it, it always makes me feel bad.
You know what I don't understand? I don't get it when someone asks you to do something for them, even if it's a lot and out of your way, how you can be seen as the horrible one. There shouldn't even be a horrible one!

I did my good dead today, it made me happy and surprised Ash to no extend I think. We were walking into the Dollar Tree, the second time this week (urgh!), and there was an elderly couple with lots of groceries and they couldn't take the baskets outside. The mad was struggling to get everything and I felt really bad just walking away. I turned to them in the middle of telling a story and asked if they needed help. They were very surprised and happy. Ash and I helped them carry everything to their car and they were glad when they heard that we went to Drew. "Ah, Methodist." I didn't know how to take that but I am guessing that since many Methodists that I know are very nice and helping, it was just another good deed added to the list. I'm ok with that. It made me happy with myself.

So I am very happy with the piercings I got over Turkey break but I just keep reevaluating why I got them in the first place. It was out of the blue and took me less than a half hour to decide to get them, well, then I had to wait for three until my appointment rolled around. Before T-break, for some reason I ended up talking to him and he told me about his new ear piercings that he had finally gotten, two of them. He kinda sounded high and mighty... well, it was texting so maybe I was putting it in there... I don't see him with a piercing and he was always upset that I wanted to get piercings and didn't understand how he could be such a hypocrite. It is him though! Anyways, aside from wanting these things for the past two years, I also wanted a change, something that would break our tie and my love for him. Though I know that is actually not possible, I wanted something to symbolize it. I did the fastest, easiest, nonregretable thing. Cutting my hair would have probably been less painful but I so didn't want to do that. The only thing that is odd is that I have been wanting this for years and out of the blue, just because he gets his ear pierced, twice, I go and get an appointment, go to the parlor, and get pierced. I am glad I did it but still...

So, it's late and I have work to get done and have a few more hours to do it. I am getting so tired and am thinking about trying to find an anoying alarm on line so that I can have a continual noise to wake up to... I don't know if it will work.

Anyway... I should go and figure things out, many things!

Shmootchies!

Current Mood: tired

So I just need to scream right now and feel like curling up in a little ball. I'm so confused and confusing. So, just so that I don't hurt your cyber ears, I warn you now...

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Well, the real thing would be better but that works for now... I hope.

Arrrrgggggghh!!!

Grumble, grumble, grumble!!!

I hate FACILITIES!!!

So is it a bad thing when you are in love with someone and you know  that it isn't ever going to work out, but for two years and still counting you continue to have a shred of hope until one day a very serious message comes to your door step and you try to help that person but you really can't let things not get personal between you? Is it bad that someone who is like my twin is in pain but happy for the same exact reasons that I am and, yet, I envy her because I wanted to be in her shoes with that man. Then, again, it doesn't help that I am all the way in NJ! You know, I get my life fixed because I don't want anymore drama and yet, it seems to find me.

Anyway, went to the Maryland RenFaire today and it was so awesome. It rained all day and so everyone was drenched but it was still fun. We got to hang out with Eddie and meet amazing people and I learned how to play the bluffing dice game from Pirates... it would be an awesome drinking game! So want to get it! I gots a sword, shinny and pointy! I'm happy about that! Got to see people I haven't seen in a while so that made me extremely happy! Got to go to a Wawa again, I missed Wawa! "Why can't I quit you?!?!"

Speaking of, I miss Sproff!

Ok, this weekend is my RenFaire hopping weekend so I have to get up early to go to the New York Ren Faire. Ok, good night.

XOXO!

PS, Michelle, be happy I updated and yes, I will be by your room tomorrow morning! (smooch!)
 

Current Mood: stressed

There comes a time when your eyes start to open after being closed for so long and you think, "What am I doing here? What happened to the past few months of my life? Who and why is there someone next to me right now What happened to the people I love?" 

Then you check up on everyone and realise how much of an idiot you have been and lost some of the closest people you have ever loved, all for a crazy little ...  I have missed so much in people's lives and lost myself as well as held those that I truely love at an arm's distance, if not further. 

My eyes are open now and I'm ready to accept the concequences of everything that this crazy person has done but I must hope that those that are further then arm's length will be able to understand. I don't know what I was thinking but all I  know is that this has to be over and I have to get my life and my dreams back in check, and most importantly, my friends.

Current Mood: crushed

So I have been thinking about people a lot and realized that I haven't spent that much time with the people that are really my friends. Speaking of, I'm not even sure if they are right now because I haven't been spending time with them. I love Alicia to death but I haven't been spending time in my room and I don't like that but I don't want to leave here and go spend everyday in my room. I want both but I can't really see yet how to do that. I got to spend time with her yesterday though because we had fencing.

Ah, fencing. It's fun again, I'm glad. There was a time in there that I didn't feel like I was needed in the team at all and that I should quit because this year was going to be like last year. But it's not! Yesterday I got on the bus at 6 in the morning, yes, I woke up this time and got to the bus! Once Miyako and Coach got there I was told that I needed to go get Brenna's epee because that is what I was to fence that day. I have never fenced with an epee before! I went the entire day fencing with that thing and I only got one bout or match that was 5-0 them. Which means that I didn't loose badly yesterday, in fact, I won 7 out of 12 bouts! I think I am staying on epee now. I really liked it and it was fun to be there on the strip and I could think about everything that was happening and I was in control of my own body, I liked it!

So, in regards to Alex. I'm starting to scare myself slightly because he had so many nightmares of me leaving and not knowing him and just not being there. They're only dreams, yes, but it kind of scared me. I was thinking about it and I realized that it scared me because I am scared of myself. There's something about Alex that I know I just don't really want to say out loud for whatever reason. I know it may sound childish or dreamesque but either way. I'm scared of what I may do to this great thing that I have. He scared me because I'm more scared of me leaving and running from him then or me staying. I'm normally scared of staying and finding out what happens that I end up breaking off everything and ruining things like that. I don't want to do that now but it has been my life to do that that I don't want to do it now and so I am scared of myself because I'm scared of what I may do. I don't want to leave and forget the best thing in my life. I don't think I would but the fact that I have done it so many times just terrifies me into thinking that I may do something to leave him. And I don't want to .

On a happier note, I get to go home in a week and a half and see people. I have to go to the hospital and give my grandmother some undeserved attention but oh, well. That just means that I can use that excuse to see my friends at home. I need to see them and see people back in Texas... AND GET WARM!!!!

Current Mood: pensive

 So tomorrow is going to be a week since Halloween. It feels like it has been forever since I started going out with Alex. I don't really know why but if feels like we have been together for almost a year instead of just a week. I still can't help but get little dreams and thoughts in my head that tell me to run and never look back, and that if I don't, he will end up hurtting me. I try to punch that side of me in the face!!! 

I have been listening to so much Bon Jovie lately (or however you spell his name). It's cool just wierd because I listened to him in middle school, but I guess that if someone tells you "imagine that this is me singing to you" then you automatically fall in love with a song or the artist. 

I got my fire bellydance stuff in today... SOOOO SIKED!!!! I can't wait to start everything. 

Anyway... talk some more later.... byes!!!

Current Mood: loved

OH, WELL!!!!

Current Mood: content